Oliver replies to Spam

I rarely post on here about work or my personal life, in fact the common reader who found this blog through google probably knows very little about me aside from that I often enjoy going to the cinema, have a prolific infatuation with the band Glassjaw, have brown hair, blue eyes, and a friend I refer to as Congo who now lives in Kuwait
I never post about what I do for a living and don't intend on doing so, however on this one occasion I will give a little insight into what I do between the hours of 9 and 5 Monday to Friday.
I do not work in SEO/I.M at the moment, however I work for an importer of clothing who in the next few months will be launching a retail site, when this goes live I will probably be a bit more pro active in posting about it on here, I am currently in the late stages of developing the website, and as we speak am actually digressing from writing product content. For the last month I have learnt pretty much every aspect of optimisation and as a result now get daily spam emails from companies trying to sell my backlinks and "solutions to improve my rankings"
Normally I ignore these but one lunch time last week I was more bored than usual and decided to write a response, I am not going to post details of the site in question or the company that sent me the email as they could be a genuine company full of lovely smiley happy staff and I wouldnt want to ruin their reputation.
The email read as they usually do, something along the lines of :

" Hello, i have looked at your website and you don't have enough backlinks to get good rankings on google, we will give you some nice ones if you give us lots of money, here's loads of dull, irrelevant statistics that I just made up on the spot and probably mean nothing, lots of love Benjamin the SEO consultant"

Heres my response :

"Hello Benjamin

Thank you for your lovely email, however I am afraid i have never heard of this google.com that you speak of
we originally had a highly trained team of Romanians in house providing us with back link building of the highest level, however as i will explain later our traffic has taken a turn for the worst and we have had to send half of them back to the orphanage, some were upset at this decision and actually took some of their backlinks back home to the Motherland with them, that is why our links are down at the minute.
We mainly opted to focus our sites listings on my former favourite search engine Ask Jeeves, when launching the site my head of IT agreed that this would work very well as everyone loved Jeeves and thus the decision was made
Initially this was a great idea as house wives through out the country flocked to the site trying to find out where they could buy their man a leather jacket and in turn sample the charm and ever so slightly raunchy delights of Jeeves
However since the sites re branding and removal of Jeeves from the site I have been dissapointed with the sites results, is it possible that behind that loveable cartoon persona Jeeves was a real person and could actually answer all the questions that people wanted to know ? If so I think he must have taken all his answers with him when he left ask.com
I would be interested to hear about this google that you speak of, is there an animated character answering questions involved with this website ?
If not i am afraid i probably wont be interested.

Look forward to hearing from you

Oliver
xx"

The person didnt respond :( In reality Benjamin probably doesnt even exist.. Damn!

Dont Forget : Kris Roe @ Pop Bubble Rock a week today !!!

Eat : Mccoy's Nacho Cheese Tortillas - My favourite crisp at the moment

Listen to : No One Lost - Now defunct but amazingly underrated Manc band from my youth